Speaking to Our Children About the Connecticut Shooting
Today kids are coming home from school to a shocking tragedy -- the fatal mass murder of 27 children and eight adults in Newtown, CT. Unfortunately, we do not live in a world where we can easily decide whether the news will be shared with the children -- rather HOW.
In this information age, the children may come in from the school bus already knowing about the tragedy since many kids, even elementary students, have smart phones. They may walk in the house either upset with this information or seemingly fine. However, it is important for every parent to sit down with their children and deal with this information. The question is, what should be said?
Parents tend to err in one of two ways: too much information or not enough information. Generally speaking, the best approach is to work with your child in a developmentally appropriate way. In the field of developmental psychology, it is widely accepted that children’s brains are able to process these complex situations based on their chronological and intellectual age. In other words, if you have a seven year old who reads everything in sight, bear in mind, she’s still seven. You cannot speak to her as a mini adult.
My approach would be to start with what the child has already heard or seen. Then I would fill in information with basic facts, again based on the child’s age. Don’t over or under do it. I do not agree with lying to children. If the child has heard that children were killed, I would share that happened as horrible as it is. However, be sure to add the person who committed the crime is also now dead and will not be harming anyone ever again. Be on the lookout for signs of distress because every child handles stress differently. Do not decide how your child should or should not react to this situation. Our children are not mini versions of us. School is the world of children. Hearing about an invasion of this world is very, very jarring. Do not underestimate this.
If my children were very small and they saw how upset we all were about the news, I would not focus on the deaths, but rather that some people were hurt and that we are very sad about it. I would not have the images playing nonstop as that would be upsetting to small children. Even toddlers and preschoolers are very aware of parents’ moods. Turn off the nonstop television images of this situation because the kids will feed off your state.
My own children are teenagers, and one is in college. I plan to speak with them about this, as well. I hope to have frank discussions with them about their views on guns and channeling their anger. We talk about these issues on an ongoing basis but these events bring these topics to the fore. I imagine my teens have questions, too, and they need to know they can ask these questions and talk about these issues, even if they differ from me politically. For example, I don’t like my 16 year old son buying violent video games. He also wants to be a police officer and is interested in guns, which he knows I deplore. We continue these conversations at this age.
Most importantly, parents, please talk with your kids. Please try to be honest and let your kids know they can speak with you as a source of comfort on this subject, even if you disagree.
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Alyce Koruna, MA in Ed.
